Transient (adj.): lasting only for a short time; impermanent


I was watching a Shots of Awe episode where Jason Silva discusses the ephemerality of love. He says he is ‘still waiting to find a hack for “the transient love dilemma.” So I asked myself:

How does one keep love alive? How can we defy entropy and impermanence when it comes to romance? Is there a hack to the transience of love?

I considered my personal experiences and findings based on streamlines found in the couple’s I’ve met. I challenged any of my romanticized notions of love. I checked in with my gut wisdom, then let my heart speak, and I arrived at this:

Love can absolutely be kept alive.

Here are 11 ways we can hack “the transient love dilemma”:

1) Presence

Have it. Be it.

2) Curiosity

Inquisitiveness makes everything in life more interesting, including yourself and your partner. One thing is constant, and that is change, so stay curious and continue to get to know your partner as they evolve. We often stop doing this and suddenly wake to feeling very distant from the person we’ve been sharing our life with. Stay curious.

3) A strong wanting

We have the power to make our partner appealing simply by ensuring that our internal dialogue about them focuses on what makes them attractive to us. Changing our thoughts changes our physiology.

4) Viewing our partner through a lens of awe.

When we engage with life through a lens of discovery, we experience awe. When we look at our partner the same way, focusing on discovering new traits, opinions, nuaces that we haven’t noticed before, we invite a sense of awe into the relationship.

5) Seeing the relationship simultaneously in the now and in hindsight (i.e. knowing the other person, or you, could be gone tomorrow).

This quick time travel has the power to root us deeply in the present moment so that we don’t take our partner for granted.

6) Maintaining one’s anonymity.

We were attracted to the other person when we saw them as distinctly individual from us. There was a whole person to get to know. Despite the fact that familiarity and shared experiences act to merge us, we are still two individual people. Keep engaging in your personal interests and hobbies. You will only further entice your partner by maintaining your sense of self.

7) Understanding that every elated emotional stage will pass – and the beginning of a relationship is laden with them – but that that doesn’t mean that yet another will not take its place.

There is always more excitement to be had if you choose it; if you create it.

8) Knowing that the longevity connection with our partner nourishes on a different and often deeper level than the initial high of the honeymoon phase.

You need to swim in the deep end to see how much more can be experienced when out of shallow water. Stay in long enough to swim to the deeper end.

9) Acknowledging that the other person’s love, affection and heart are never ours and instead always being earned.

This is one of my favorites. It invites embracing eternal courtship. I’ve only had this with one man and I realized what a profound secret ingredient it is to a long-term romance. It lays the groundwork for both parties to feel consistently appreciated which eradicates the common issue of feeling taken for granted in a relationship.

10) A conscious choosing.

This is everything when it comes to lasting love. We must choose one other and choose that relationship, consciously, every day. When we acknowledge our choosing something, it transforms our relationship with it to one of pride.

11) Lastly, true love is the highest consciousness and there is no real death, no transience, to true consciousness.

This one comes down to how you are loving. As Haruki Murakami said, “Pure love for another person, and what people call romantic love are two different things. Pure love doesn’t manipulate the relationship to one’s advantage, but romantic love is different. Romantic love contains other elements — the desire to be loved by the other person, for instance. If purely loving another was enough, you wouldn’t suffer because of unrequited love. As long as the other person was happy, there wouldn’t be any need to suffer because you weren’t being loved in return. What makes people suffer is the desire to be loved by another person.” Essentially, when we love truly, there is no end to that love.